It started two summers ago, or perhaps a bit before that. It was easy to blame it on the pandemic and the lock down that required us to rethink play and gathering all together. Tech time became all-the-time and playdates even became virtual, because they had to. We had to rethink the bedrooms and desk spaces - two boys on Zoom at the same time in the same room totally didn't work, so the guest room became his room, he got his own desk and the video games and school work that used to happen at the dining room table, with all of us together, now happened in his room. At one point he built himself a PC computer and Roblox with friends happened on a screen, in his room. Then came the Christmas wish list and somehow the ease of buying Legos and toys was all of a sudden gone and we were scrambling, trying figure out what gifts this boy of 11 would want. Gifts seemed more expensive but in smaller packages and any parent who has tried to keep things looking equal in terms of sibling holiday gifts knows what this means.
Then came his younger brother's birthday early in the new year. On his soon to be 9-year-old wish list, I kid you not, it said: A day without computers, no screen time for my brother and he has to be out of his room and a whole day of family Lego playing. It was official, play in our house had officially changed.
When I realized how much the change in our older son's passions and preferences was impacting the younger one, I started to pay more attention to the dynamic and to the subtle changes that I knew were happening all around me. I didn't necessarily want to change anything but I wanted to collect data - to be mindful of it. As I started to pay attention to it, it became so glaringly obvious that our toys weren't being played with in the same way, Legos were no longer of interest, there was less fort building and less requests to go to the playground. I had probably dismissed most of this because it was all happening within the pandemic which was forcing us to do things differently anyway. But there was something specifically different that was happening on top of that.
What was happening with our then 11 year and what is happening with our now 12 year old is that he is visibly pulling away, choosing friends over his brother, being less interested in doing stuff as a family and very clearly only interested in what he is interested in - video games, RC cars, skiing, snowcats, YouTube, mountain biking. It's totally normal, it's totally age appropriate and it's totally sad.
As a mom, I knew it was coming. Part of doing our year of travel when we did was based on other travelers' experiences that around 12 years old kids become less interested in spending a lot of time with their families and prefer time with friends. I knew the distance would come and I know it will grow. And that's ok. I also know that he's not all that grown up yet and I still know how to get his attention and totally catch him off guard. I can still sneak a hug and he's a wonderfully kind young man who is really fun to have around. What I wasn't expecting was how much it would impact and affect his younger brother. He is feeling it the most because he is loosing his playmate - the one that is always here, accessible and doesn't require his mom to send a text. He is feeling it the most that their interests were almost always similar - and now they are becoming vastly different. He is feeling it the most because for 14 months they were brothers, playmates, companions, classmates, travelers and in many situations the only kids amongst many adults and all they had was each other. He is feeling it the most when it has gotten harder and harder to find a show they can both agree on. He is feeling it the most when all of a sudden what he suggests or wants to do is "lame". He is feeling it the most when we decide to watch a family movie but one of us opts out to Zoom with his friends. He is feeling it the most when he is sitting alone at the table when before there were always two. He is feeling it the most when he is often now more alone with me on outings or after-school. He is feeling it the most when he has to change what things he wants to do just so he can keep up. And then, when it seems he feels the most left out, a voice from that room over there says "Hey, H wanna come play Roblox with me and my friends?" and then the instantaneous joy takes over his whole body and he feels that the most too.
A neighbor and friend who has two boys who are 10+ years older than ours told me many years ago that motherhood doesn't get easier as they grow up, it gets different. She said it gets less physical - like your body is involved less - but your brain is involved more. And I am starting to see exactly what she meant. I can be supportive and helpful for the older one as he goes through these transitions of becoming a middle schooler and then teenager while also holding the sadness of his younger brother who is experiencing this transition as a loss. Neither is wrong or has unjust feelings - both experiences can coexist at the same time. And what is important is to support and validate both of their feelings and experiences and not finding fault in either. I can say that "You have to keep playing with your brother" or I can say "Hey, your little brother misses you and the way you used to play together. When it feels right with your friends, can you make some space for him and share the experience with him?" I can say "Your brother is being moody and not interested in you" and fuel the distance or I can say "Your brother is growing up and this is a totally normal part of growing up and I know it feels bad." I can say "You have to watch this movie with us" or I can say "It's not important that you watch this movie with us but the family hike we are going on tomorrow is important to me and I expect you to be part of it."
It used to be pretty easy to be appease their needs with the playground, tree climbing, Lego playing, an ice cream or anything that had to do with water. One of the benefits I suppose of having two siblings who are both boys with similar interests meant it was easier to achieve communal harmony. This is not to say there is always harmony with these two, as there certainly is not, but it was easier to come up with ideas and activities that addressed the collective boy energy. Their needs were more similar and the solutions that met those needs were more similar. That is exactly what is shifting and it is in how they play, or how they no longer play, that I noticed it first. Their personalities, passions, identities and preferences are emerging and that is what is making mothering more mental these days. And I am pretty sure, this is just the very tippy tippy top of the iceberg.
Love,