This is the “your first smartphone contract” that I diligently found online, edited, printed out and then put on the dining room table where for almost 4 weeks it sat, collecting dust. I kept telling myself it wasn’t signed because I wanted to see what phone habits he would have on his own without us restricting it, blissfully hoping he’d have the best device habits ever and we could sail into the sunset. I kept telling myself it wasn’t signed because the idea of a contract with a 13 year old just didn’t feel right. I kept telling myself it wasn’t signed because I didn’t like the emphasis on Don’t do this and I won’t statements so I changed all the wording to be more positive and proactive but it still lay there unsigned. I kept telling myself…until I told myself the truth which is that I just didn’t want to have to deal with this crap and that I wish we hadn’t given him this phone 3 months ago.
I don’t know if his usage changed so drastically because it was just the normal progression of teen behavior and being more active on the phone or if it was the actual phone. Something significant changed when “a phone you get to use” changed to “your phone” and with all that I have been reading and all that I am researching, you’d think I would have been better prepared. But that’s why I am here - writing and reading and sorting through this muck because I am not some professional with a perfect plan but a parent who is questioning, rethinking and second-guessing the presence of personal devices in young people’s hands and exhausted parenting alongside technology.
At some point in the last 2 years, we allowed our then 11 or 12 year old to use an old iPhone that still performed well, had a good enough camera, Google Classroom and Canvas and could play music. It was very clearly our phone which our oldest was allowed to use to take pictures, listen to music, text his friends and Zoom with his friends during video game playing. It had no screen time restrictions (his usage really didn’t necessitate them) and he knew I was allowed to look into it his activity anytime. It had very few apps, purchases were disabled. Occasionally he would be texting past his bedtime but one reminder was all it usually took. He didn’t take it to school and was often the only boy amongst his 8th grade friend group after school without a phone. In early December, a few months ago, I was still texting other moms to find out if he happened to be at their house. He rarely took it anywhere with him, often it was left uncharged.
Fast forward to today and the Christmas gift (which was one of our old phones but with a better camera and battery life) that we thought was so clever to give him, is always in his hands, often on way past the agreed upon off time, with him in the car, with him on the couch, with him while watching a movie. So I am back to rethinking the contract and reading best practices for giving a first smartphone to a teenager and wondering how to create the boundaries, expectations and good habits, 3 months in.
In my research I came across Andrea and Tyler Davis of Better Screen Time and their website has been my greatest discovery in the last week and I wish I had known about them before we chose to gift a phone last Christmas. Without knowing it, we had been doing part of their 4 phase process but jumped to the finish line too soon. I am using their resources to recalibrate and pull in the reins just enough to make this work for all of us.
In my opinion, if you are considering a smart phone for your middle schooler, these are the 5 most useful pages with regards to first cell phones, teenagers and how to set it all up:
Am I Ready for a Personal Device? - A self-evaluation for teens
Why We Don’t Use a Teen Cell Phone Contract and What we Do Instead
I don’t know the answers yet for us - still working my way through this content on Better Screen Time but this process made me think of Wait Until 8th. We didn’t officially sign up for the Wait Until 8th pledge which is a parent initiative and commitment to waiting until 8th grade to give first personal devices. If you are on the fence about if and when to give your child their first device, check out their website and the data that 100% supports delaying giving a device.
The pledge works best when groups of parents or caregivers commit to this in community with friends, with cousins of the same age, with school classes, with the whole school, with groups like sports team, girl/boys scouts so that the strength is staying committed to the goal comes from the community. Here in our small town, several friends committed to Wait Until 8th with other school parents when their children were in 4th grade in the local public school and then slowly watched as one family after another gifted a device for one reason or another, way before the 8th grade finish line. I have seen the commitment work within smaller friend circles and within smaller independent schools that had strong shared values. It is a helpful tool in combatting “but so and so has a phone” or “so and so parent’s got him a phone.” For us, it was an unspoken commitment that we made in our own family - a value my husband and I share that kids don’t need to have their own devices and that gifting such an expensive tool, even if it’s used, is something we don’t take lightly.
Waiting Until 8th also worked for us because of who our son is, what our family values are, the school he goes to and who his friends are. The reasons are son wasn’t clamoring or begging for a device of his own was:
We had an old phone that he knew was our phone but that he got to use when needed for Zoom video game calls and texting with friends.
He was able to take photos and have access to all our music at certain times.
He didn’t mind being the only one of his friends without his own phone.
None of the boys in his close friend group have social media.
He attends a school with a strict No device at school policy and all students place their phones in a basket when they enter and pick it up when they leave so no one is on a device during lunch time or break times and phones are a non-issue during school hours.
We do a lot as a family - outings, travel, projects, games - and he is still willing to be part of this which helps to fill the time instead of leave a void to fill with screen time.
Now as I sit here, I really wonder about why we felt we needed to change all of this that was actually working. He didn’t ask for a phone. Didn’t even put it on his wishlist. The justification was that the camera wasn’t great and that battery life was terrible and that the operating systems would no longer update. We somehow thought it was would be good for him to have before starting high-school. But we underestimated what a faster, sleeker phone would do. We underestimated the changes in teen behavior that change faster than you can even imagine. We underestimated that Zoom video gaming would be replaced with chatting and extensive YouTube viewing. We underestimated how quickly he would get pulled into the world at his fingertips. But here we are. Yesterday I felt pretty defeated by it all but today I am feeling more optimistic that I can still course correct knowing that a little determination can go a long way.
Take care and keep up the good work,
A new feature in every post will be highlights that I stumble upon - device free events and activity ideas, podcasts, books, family movies and more! If there is a topic or question you would like to explore, leave a comment below!
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DEVICE FREE ACTIVITY IDEA of the WEEK
Friends in Marin/Bay Area: Do your kids like mountain biking or do you want to introduce them to it? If you are looking for a DEVICE-FREE afternoon or summer activity for your kids I HIGHLY recommend Mt Tam Bikes Camp. Ryan Loften who runs the program is an incredible mentor, role model and of course an excellent coach. Local high-school students and young adults who are passionate about the sport help with coaching and mentoring. The summer camp is really great - kids are exploring Marin and exhausted and dirty at the end of the day! _________________________________________________________________________
PODCAST of the WEEK
I love the idea of podcasts but can’t figure out exactly when to listen to them or commit the time. Leave a comment below and let me know how/when you listen! But I LOVE Ginny from 1000 Hours Outside and her podcast guests are always around parenting and child rearing, interesting, and thought provoking.
Episode #126 is her interview with Dr. Devorah Heitner, author of Screenwise and they discuss screens, kids and parenting in an honest and light way. I had some major aha-aha moments listening to this podcast - and am now exploring Dr. Heitner’s work and really love her balanced approach to tech. Have a listen - available on Spotify or wherever you listen to podcasts.
And if you need inspiration or encouragement to get kids outside (of all ages), please check out Ginny and 1000 Hours Outside. Her new book is all about helping parents to match screen time with green time. Her podcast guests are always interesting and thought provoking.
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FAMILY MOVIE of the WEEK
Are you finding it harder and harder to find family movies to watch together as your children get older? I used to be so good at picking things that everyone enjoyed but it is getting more challenging. But True Spirit on Netflix did not disappoint. Based on the true story of Jessica Watson, the 15 year old Australian who became the youngest to sail around the globe is a story for tweens, teens and grown-ups alike. There are harrowing sailing scenes that might be scary for younger kids but the message, the relationships, the journey all brought up so many questions and we were talking about it for days. Plus there is so much more to read and learn about her afterwards!
For those with kids with dyslexia - it’s even more of a hero’s journey as Jessica has dyslexia and talks about the challenges and the super powers of being in the world (and sailing) as a dyslexic.
Have a recent favorite family movie? Leave a comment below!
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